I don't think I have given the opportunity for myself to write about externship. Even if I have, it's been vague and indirect. I don't think it does it justice and I want to write about it while it is still fresh in my mind.
...Where do I even begin?
I took a strong interest in fish fabrication after taking the Fish class at the Culinary. After that class, I had conversed with the Chef Instructors asking them if they would let me "cut." Ever since then, I had gone to the fish kitchen nearly everyday after my regular kitchen class to help out the class. I took my best effort to show up everyday, and I think I just missed a total of eight days since the beginning of Skills 1 up to Garde Manger. There were times when there was no fish to cut and I would sit through lecture and familiarize myself with Fish I.D. People would used to call me "fish girl" because I could never scrub the smell of fish off of my hands.
As Skills 2 started to end, I had began my search for an externship site. I am a planner, I like to be ahead and had never like to procrastinate. I knew that if I wanted to have a good site, I needed to start now. But the fact was, I had no idea where to look. I didn't grow up in a family that cooked. It was mainly microwave dinner or HUNGRYMAN ribs. Or there was the occasional Campbell's Chunky Soup watered down by my mother. I didn't have cable either so the food network channel was all a mystery to me. I barely knew who Emeril, Cat Cora, or any of the food media stars were. The only reason I knew about Tony was because I read his book. So anyways, I consulted with my Skills instructor and the restaurant, Le Bernardin, came up. I had never heard of it. But the second chef I consulted also told me that restaurant would be an excellent choice. I went to trail twice and was amazed by what I saw. And, I don't know why but some magic happened, and I got it.
I had only applied to three other places: LB, Oceana, and Morimoto. For a while, I wanted to be a sushi chef but after staging at all three places, I knew that this, this was it. I had never wanted anything more in my life. I didn't just want it like a little campfire, I wanted it like forest fire gone wild. And after my second trail, I got what I wanted and it was the most amazing feeling. I was on top of the world for that one night when Chef Chris said, we'll take you as an extern at Le Bernardin.
It's funny how I was so excited to start working there and then, I was dying to leave. It might seem like a joke to people, but it was so hard for me to get through day by day. My experience is limited and, goddamnit, this is a three Michelin star restaurant. I felt out of place and lost. I didn't know what I was doing there but at the same time, I knew that this is exactly what I needed. And of course, there were many tears that came along. I wanted to quit cooking, I wanted to just quit everything because the cooks were so talented and I couldn't even fucking brunoise a cucmber correctly without getting screamed at. I thought it was impossible for me to be at their level. Even now, I sometimes question my ability as a cook. I mean, it's sad but I don't know how to cook. I am at a culinary school but that doesn't necesary make me any better of a cook.
Externship was a rollarcoaster. I am certain that this industry is made for crazy, obsessive, arrogant, bitchy assholes. And well, I am paying money to be one of them some day. This whole experience has made me taught me so many things. I am more certain of what I want to do and who I want to become.
Six more months before I graduate...
